7 months

Today marks 7 months clean. I know I'm being cryptic, but I think that most of you already know what I mean. Right now I am in a really good place, and keeping my mind off of things that might make me freaked out. I have had some close calls within this time but I'm really happy that I never relapsed even once. I actually had a scare, I had a dream a while ago that I slit my wrists, then I remembered the promise I made and got really upset while dying. I don't know what it is in my dreams, I always forget promises and commitments I've made until after I've transgressed.

In any case, that was just a dream. At the beginning, I never doubted that I'd be able to do it. A promise is a promise after all. I also never suspected that it would be so hard not to, at times. I hate being an addict. But for some reason I enjoy it too. I have an obsession with watching things about other addicts. They usually make me break down, but tonight they didn't. So I feel better. It might even be a week now since my last breakdown.

I was going to say that its also 7 months since my marriage ended, but that's not entirely true. In fact, my memories of that time are so blurry. Its often something I meticulously keep track of. The dates and times of endings and beginnings. But I hardly even have a memory of the events or when they occurred. I wanted to do a timeline, but either I'm afraid to remember back then, or I'm afraid that I WON'T remember. I'm also not sure that looking at my past is an important part of my recovery right now. I think the efforts could be better spent examining my present and the ever looming future.

I felt that I should write something to commemorate this, since its the first "anniversary" I've bothered to keep track of. So that I won't forget the process.

In any case, stay safe everyone.

Comrade.

I don't want to trust again.
I don't want to learn about someone else or form a new relationship of any kind.
I find it all so hard. And it all goes the same way. I don't want to give any part of myself to someone else because I know what its like when that backfires, when it goes wrong, when its given back.
I don't find anyone worthy. They all seem pointless, troublesome, tiresome to me...and yet when I do get to see inside them, see that they are more than their front, I despise them even more because they hide who they really are. And I might be doing the same thing, I don't know. I'm oblivious to how other people see me because I'm oblivious to other people.
I had a connection once, I had many connections, but I haven't kept them, one way or another. It scares me so much to try again. Maybe I'm doing all of this to hide from pain, from feeling anything. Because if I let myself get close again then I will be hurt again. There's no avoiding that.
And I always swore to myself I wouldn't become this person. I swore no matter how hard it got or how many times I got hurt I would keep going and keep believing. But I can't. I used to have so much hate inside of me, and I feel it coming back now. It doesn't help that I can't comprehend my emotions or even remember them from day to day. I don't know what's going on in my mind but it changes all the time. One moment I want to connect and the next I just want to be left alone.
I want what I'm looking for, but I don't know entirely what that is. I want it, but I don't want it. I want to push it as far away as possible. I wonder if I should try, if I can develop the love that's born from hate - or the hate that's born from love - the delicate mix of the two that feeds and destroys me. I don't want you, but only because you don't want me. I want you but you will cause me pain. And I can't have that again.
A good love affair begins with a comradery. You can't possibly expect to love someone who you wouldn't trust at your side in battle. And perhaps its my military past coming back to influence me, but that I truly believe. But can I trust someone enough again to let them have my life? I don't know.
I've become that person.
And I'm sorry.