Comrade.

I don't want to trust again.
I don't want to learn about someone else or form a new relationship of any kind.
I find it all so hard. And it all goes the same way. I don't want to give any part of myself to someone else because I know what its like when that backfires, when it goes wrong, when its given back.
I don't find anyone worthy. They all seem pointless, troublesome, tiresome to me...and yet when I do get to see inside them, see that they are more than their front, I despise them even more because they hide who they really are. And I might be doing the same thing, I don't know. I'm oblivious to how other people see me because I'm oblivious to other people.
I had a connection once, I had many connections, but I haven't kept them, one way or another. It scares me so much to try again. Maybe I'm doing all of this to hide from pain, from feeling anything. Because if I let myself get close again then I will be hurt again. There's no avoiding that.
And I always swore to myself I wouldn't become this person. I swore no matter how hard it got or how many times I got hurt I would keep going and keep believing. But I can't. I used to have so much hate inside of me, and I feel it coming back now. It doesn't help that I can't comprehend my emotions or even remember them from day to day. I don't know what's going on in my mind but it changes all the time. One moment I want to connect and the next I just want to be left alone.
I want what I'm looking for, but I don't know entirely what that is. I want it, but I don't want it. I want to push it as far away as possible. I wonder if I should try, if I can develop the love that's born from hate - or the hate that's born from love - the delicate mix of the two that feeds and destroys me. I don't want you, but only because you don't want me. I want you but you will cause me pain. And I can't have that again.
A good love affair begins with a comradery. You can't possibly expect to love someone who you wouldn't trust at your side in battle. And perhaps its my military past coming back to influence me, but that I truly believe. But can I trust someone enough again to let them have my life? I don't know.
I've become that person.
And I'm sorry.