The Paradox of Growing Up

I've never felt like an adult.

True, I'm sure I have plenty of time, seeing as I'm only nineteen, but I've been told I "am" and adult now. Is that what it is, a number? I'm not sure. I'm so used to be subordinate to anyone older than me. Its been that way for well...nineteen years. In college, or the workforce, I'm suddenly put on the same level (and possibly even a higher level?) as adults. I mean experienced adults. Or really, just everyone other than me. I don't feel like a college kid, I still feel like a highschool kid. Or just a kid in general. I feel meek and powerless. Just they way I've been taught to feel all throughout grades K-13.

So how does one "grow up"? Become an adult? Is it really a matter of age, or is it maturity? Now, I've always felt more mature than my contemporaries, more grown up in that sense of the word. But I still don't think that makes me an adult. I wonder, is it something that just comes to you, naturally? We all know how good I am with things that are supposed to come naturally. Will I just know one day that I am an adult? I'll suddenly wake up feeling like one?

This entry has a lot more questions than answers, much like myself...

Sleep's Not Comin' Easy For A While...

I withhold sleep from myself.
Or that is how it happens. I wonder if it is just because it's the closest I can come to harming myself without breaching my contract. If it's something I can control as some sort of pseudo-revenge scheme. Or perhaps its just that when I get into these moods, the need for sleep eludes me.
I remember back then, when they talked to me, when they were always talking to me, before they stopped. I would never sleep, or so it seemed. I wonder how I stayed alive. I would only be thinking - About what they said, about it's implications, how on Earth I could get back to them.
Every night it was the same thing.
"Take me home."
Until eventually it just became,
"Take me away from here."

Now, I know this will never happen. At least not while I'm alive. But when I do think about them, I still won't sleep. Who doesn't appreciate a call from home, after all?

It's not just because she left. Or it is. Either one, I'm not sure. But I don't want to sleep, because I want to do stuff. But I don't want to do stuff, because she is not mine. As if I am lost if everything I do cannot somehow be related to her. I want to experience things, but I think that knowing I can still experience things without her love, would hurt deeply. Perhaps its the mere fact that I have to, that's the problem.

Thinking of sleeping hurts, thinking of staying awake hurts.
If only there was a way to escape the pain.

It's Always You, In My Big Dreams

cause that's the way what we've got goes

There are times that I think I'll be ok with the way things are. Sometimes, it's all I want. The opportunity for an asexual relationship, that even goes as far as being non-romantic...but still as close as ours? It sounds like a wonderful idea. I'm not going to lie, that it's what I've been looking for. For just a deep knowledge of eachother, a deep, unfathomable love and understanding. I believe that's what I have with her. And I think that we will always have that, regardless of our relationship status with eachother.

On the other hand, I understand that she is the only person this is possible with. I want things to work with her, I want to be in love with her, and not just at her. I want her to stay with me, because, how perfect would that be? To be dating my soulmate, the one person I've got the deepest connection imaginable with? A lot of the time I feel, if I can't have a relationship with her...then I don't really want to have one with anyone else. Not even in an emo sort of way, just sort of matter of fact. I do believe that I will love her forever, for the rest of my life, whether we are dating or not. I know that no other romantic relationship could yield what I have with her, so there is no point in pursuing them.

Most of the time, I'm ok with that. I'm perfectly content. But I know I will always desire more with her. That's why I hope she feels the same way.

Oh Sweetheart, Put The Bottle Down

As the eves of my friends' nineteenth birthdays approach, I am filled with dread. Nineteen of course, is the age in this country where one can legally drink. This signifies my demise, or rather the demise of our friendships. I will be cast aside for a bottle of cheap beer. My friends will drink and they will ignore me. Why? Because I will not. And I cannot put up with those who do. I can't be around them, cannot handle it.

I have tried to be tolerant, mostly as a justification to myself. "Everyone in the world does this, how will you make friends, how will you find love, if you do not become accustomed to this?". But I can't do that anymore. It fills me with rage, with disgust, that people can do this to themselves, claiming it as some sort of recreation. They destroy their bodies and their mind, but why? Are they so useless that they cannot have fun, can't see anything as worthwhile unless they can pump poison into their bodies? In the very least, do they not care about themselves? Do they not care about those around them that are harmed by such behaviour?

Personally, I can hardly find it in me to have respect for someone who so clearly does not respect themselves. And how can one form friendships, relationships, with someone they can hardly even respect? Can one love without respecting? I find that to be a shallow type of friendship.

My body has been compromised to please others for long enough, and now I have realized it's importance. This body is all I have in the world, and if I do not take care of it, who will? What will I have left? They say "Oh, it's just for fun". Tell me how is destroying yourself, your body, your mind, and your dignity, fun? You are human beings, you have such potential, and yet you wrong yourselves.

I see the world with clear eyes, a sober mind, and pure veins. I will not be torn from my path, I will not succumb to their lies.

Life After Humans

I saw a special about a post-apocalyptic world, where humans had suddenly gone extinct. Nature began growing and overtook everything that humans had made, and destroyed most of it in abou 150 years. By that point, all of the polution we had put into the air has been depleted to nothing, through nature's ingenuity.

A lot of people are afraid of the apocalypse. I can admit that I was looking forward to it - its sounds like such an adventure, trying to stay alive for as long as possible in a world like that. After seeing this though, I've got different reasons. I think I could be at peace with an apocalypse, even with all the stuff I have not accomplished yet. If I could somehow contribute to the world reverting back to how it should be, before us humans messed it up? If I had to die for that to happen, I think I would be ok with it. There is more to this planet than just me, and humans are NOT the most or only important lifeforce on this planet.

Perhaps if our planet was without humans, long enough for it to go back to its beautiful splendor, in hundreds of thousands of years, humans would evolve again. Maybe they would be different. Maybe we would get a second chance. To say "I love you, and I'm sorry" to the Earth.
And if they weren't different, we could have some peace in knowing, the same thing will happen to them.

Tell me when that breeze is blowing...

Recently I told someone that the thing I love about nature is....that is just is. Nature is so simple, and everything happens as it should happen and has been happening for billions of years. True, nature is complicated, terrifically complicated, and that's what makes it beautiful. But that is also what makes it simple. You know with nature. You don't have to guess, or explain, like you do with humans. You don't have to read into nature, what it does, where a tree decides to grow. It just happens because it does, because it is beautiful and right.

I think it is also that I know nature will not try to hurt me. Yes, I know that it can. But it is not malicious. If nature destroys something, there is no hidden meaning, it is just an occurance. There is no need to question these events, or ask "why did this happen to me?". The answer is simple...nature will keep going on, no matter how much we want to stay still. No matter how much people or society want everything to be the same...nature will keep going on regardless. There is no point fighting it. This is why we should live in harmony with nature...for both of our sakes.

In that way I suppose nature is the kind of person I want to be. Just growing, and living, regardless. Nature makes no excuses and while it evolves to survive...it doesn't change for other people. If you don't like nature, you're gonna have to get over it because, there is nothing you can do about it. I also long for how nature is a part of everything. Nature connects everyone and everything - after all, we live on this planet! I feel like a part of nothing whenever I try to interact with people. With nature there is no difficulty...I already know I am a part of that. But people are completely alien to me.

What am I to do?

A Cease to the Growing.

At this point in time I am faced with a dilemma. It's something that doesn't particularly bother me at all, but also that I am absolutely bitter about having to do.

It doesn't bother me, after all, because I lived so much of my life like this before, I know what it's like, I'm used to it. But it was something I thought I wouldn't have to do again, I thought I was safe from it.

I thought there were people who would be there for me but I was wrong.

Maybe it is a lesson for me, never get too comfortable. After all, a Grey is always meant to be alone. Maybe I was foolish to think things could be different. Well, now I've been told it can never change, so what am I going to do?

Silly me, I am going to believe it.

A part of me says that this is so stupid, so pathetic, but another part doesn't care. Or in truth, most of me is too tired to care anymore. Too tired to do anything. But why can't I sleep?

If I am destined to this anyway, I might as well get used to it. To all these lies, broken promises and empty concerns. To things that I can't handle.

Oh silly me, for a moment I thought I mattered.

Forgive me, I've come back to my senses now.