Someone said something that really made me consider things, or the way things have been for quite a while. I'll admit there are times when I am obsessed with the notion of someone "saving" me. Growing up in the home I did, I would plead every night for a way out. I was weak to those who gave promise of that - even if it was never meant to be, I couldn't realize it at the time. Even after I found my way out, that mentality stuck.
It makes sense that that would translate into how I view love. And it's not just that. When you think of it, we are raised believing that when we are in trouble, and prince on a white horse will ride by and save us, and we will fall in love with him. Now I'm not sure if this quite made me fall in love with someone who saved me (granted those who've saved me have always been those who I love), however it has made me expect that the person I love should save me, and if they don't, do they really love me?
I haven't just been waiting as a damsel in distress though. I earn my keep - How can I expect someone to save me if I don't return the favour? My life is dedicated to protecting the person I love, anyone who knows me would agree, I would do anything for her. But I always feel alone. I'm not fooling myself that I don't have any problems. There are horrible things going on in my head. But when I ask for help, where is it? It always results in me feeling abandoned, as if I am standing in the fire shouting "save me!" and the one who is supposed to do that stand idly by.
Now I know the next reasonable thought is "So save yourself." but this is where I become confused. Part of this problem is feeling an isolation from the rest of the world. I never seem to feel like I am fitting in, and not just floating around among everyone else. I've longed for an anchor that I can hold onto and remind me that I'm still here. It isn't like I ask for much. But when things in my head are horrible - which they have been so often - all I want is for once, not to be alone. To have someone there just to hold me, to be with. That enough is comfort. But its rare and I'm still searching. And still hoping that the person I've dedicated my life to will be the person to save me. I rationalize with myself, maybe once she's better herself, your time will come. Just wait a little longer.
Just be a little more patient, and someone will protect you from all of this.
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