Take It Back

watashi-tachi tte nee koibito sore tomo?

I wasn't always a good person. It even took me a long time to realize that I am now.

I loved to hurt people, and I can't say why. Fighting filled me with unmatched happiness and exhilaration. It still does.

And I used to do anything, to get what I wanted. I would make fake deals, phony promises. And it didn't matter. I was a spy, I manipulated people and I liked it. "I promise" was just a phrase to seal the deal, it meant nothing to me.
But I later realized. I found honour and grew into it. I can't tell you how, or why, but it happened. At a time when I had no loyalties, I became a very honourable person. The value of a promise became clear to me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know now that being a good person does not mean others won't do you wrong. But I don't understand people and promises, right now. When you promise something, think long and hard about it, because that isn't something you can take back. A promise, is a promise. Breaking it so nonchalantly? That's unacceptable.

I talked earlier about people giving up too easily. I would have, too. But someone told me something that changed everything, and now I realize that.

Last night we were driving on the highway, and traffic was stalled. The radio said, "Police investigation." and when we reached that point, the area under an overpass was blocked off. There was an ambulance. I didn't see anyone, but the police were marking things off on the pavement.

"I hope no one jumped off the bridge" my dad said, beside me.

My blood felt cold. That could have been me, I realized. I could have done that (and I could have, believe me). Not anymore.

I suppose it's as the Christians say, "God will never give you anything you can't handle." I guess the choice of whether to handle it is up to us. Now I don't completely believe that Goddess "gives" you what happens to you, but I do know this - there will always be many paths through it. And it is your choice whether to see them or not. She'll present them, but it's you who has to take the first step.

I didn't want to.

But now I can, if it comes to that.

For now, I am still working on my problems, because I made a promise, and I won't go back on that.

Even if she will.