Why would I run?I did a lot of thinking during that time, about what would have been right or not. I asked myself if I really did want to kill myself, if she left. And it all just seemed like such a waste. Here I am, a living, growing human being...and I could throw that all away in a moment. I don't want to think about it, because it reminds me of how much I would be tempted, if that happened. What would I be to anyone, if not this? It would make sense to die, but at the same time, it would make no sense at all.
So I decided on not dying, if one day she should decide she has no more use for me. But I would run. Even though I have an amazing family who I know would help me through it, I would run. I don't know what brings me to that conclusion, but it seems...if I just walk, and never stop, I can burn it off, or something to that effect.
I would have nothing to do but think of it. But the emotions would be let out by the steady motion of my feet, and I would not have the chance to fall. If I stayed among those who care for me, who would protect me, there is nothing to stop me from breaking down and never coming back again. Yes, there is nothing wrong with breaking down, especially when it is warrented. But it is equally a waste to stay that way. To work off the despair physically, until the hysteria is over. Everything I had and everything I lost would come second to the pull of muscles and the crisp feel of night air. I would keep going until I was able to stop.
But this will not happen. If it does, I have a plan, but...it won't. Beneath 18 years' worth of trust issues, betrayals, and worries, I need to have some faith left in me. I need to believe that she will love and protect me the way she promised, that this does not mean nothing to her. I've grown up believing no one would ever feel the way I did, and no matter how many people I've met share my feelings, that belief seems to have stuck.
It's hard to believe that I'm not the only one.
That I'm not as isolated as I thought.
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