Never Take Friendship Personal

I used to be a loner. Well, as those who know me (which is pretty much none of you), are aware, I still kind of am. But I used to be alone...all the time. I could go whole days without talking. Sure, people were around me - I was in class, or my mother was yelling in my face, or I was fighting with my siblings - but I was alone. And I'm aware how this sounds like every emo song ever written. But though I had friends...most of the time..and they were what I'd consider "close friends"...I could never talk to them about anything that was happening to me. Yeah, they knew about my mom, but I mean the things that were happening in my head.

I always longed for someone I could tell. Someone who wouldn't think I was crazy, or lying, or weird. That's what sparked a series of anonymous blogs, on various different websites. Hoping someone would stumble along and care, maybe talk to me about it. This is an example of one of those. But I've given up on that happening, by now.

Then there came the time when I finally found this person. She felt and saw the same things. Not my world, of course - someone from there is still just a wish - but she understood. And I could finally talk about it. Finally, I wasn't alone. I began to open up - though not fully, of course - into having truly close friendships. To put it bluntly, I had everything I'd ever hoped for. But just as I had realized this, just as I was basking in the warm glow of completion, acceptance - and love, of course. It ended. Having never experienced such a relationship before, Goddess only knows how I could handle such rejection. Having everything I wanted and then, having it all taken away. Something like that is not supposed to happen. I was supposed to be set for life.

And the friendships I had thought I could rely on fell apart too. I realized I meant nothing to them either, if I could not be what they expected of me. Because of this, if I wanted to keep them, I had to keep quiet. I couldn't say how my heart was breaking of my world falling apart - after having someone I could speak freely with, finally....I had to keep quiet once more.

So here I am, trying to adjust to the role that I lived for the first 17 years of my life. And its so much harder than I ever remembered.