Life After Humans

I saw a special about a post-apocalyptic world, where humans had suddenly gone extinct. Nature began growing and overtook everything that humans had made, and destroyed most of it in abou 150 years. By that point, all of the polution we had put into the air has been depleted to nothing, through nature's ingenuity.

A lot of people are afraid of the apocalypse. I can admit that I was looking forward to it - its sounds like such an adventure, trying to stay alive for as long as possible in a world like that. After seeing this though, I've got different reasons. I think I could be at peace with an apocalypse, even with all the stuff I have not accomplished yet. If I could somehow contribute to the world reverting back to how it should be, before us humans messed it up? If I had to die for that to happen, I think I would be ok with it. There is more to this planet than just me, and humans are NOT the most or only important lifeforce on this planet.

Perhaps if our planet was without humans, long enough for it to go back to its beautiful splendor, in hundreds of thousands of years, humans would evolve again. Maybe they would be different. Maybe we would get a second chance. To say "I love you, and I'm sorry" to the Earth.
And if they weren't different, we could have some peace in knowing, the same thing will happen to them.

Tell me when that breeze is blowing...

Recently I told someone that the thing I love about nature is....that is just is. Nature is so simple, and everything happens as it should happen and has been happening for billions of years. True, nature is complicated, terrifically complicated, and that's what makes it beautiful. But that is also what makes it simple. You know with nature. You don't have to guess, or explain, like you do with humans. You don't have to read into nature, what it does, where a tree decides to grow. It just happens because it does, because it is beautiful and right.

I think it is also that I know nature will not try to hurt me. Yes, I know that it can. But it is not malicious. If nature destroys something, there is no hidden meaning, it is just an occurance. There is no need to question these events, or ask "why did this happen to me?". The answer is simple...nature will keep going on, no matter how much we want to stay still. No matter how much people or society want everything to be the same...nature will keep going on regardless. There is no point fighting it. This is why we should live in harmony with nature...for both of our sakes.

In that way I suppose nature is the kind of person I want to be. Just growing, and living, regardless. Nature makes no excuses and while it evolves to survive...it doesn't change for other people. If you don't like nature, you're gonna have to get over it because, there is nothing you can do about it. I also long for how nature is a part of everything. Nature connects everyone and everything - after all, we live on this planet! I feel like a part of nothing whenever I try to interact with people. With nature there is no difficulty...I already know I am a part of that. But people are completely alien to me.

What am I to do?

A Cease to the Growing.

At this point in time I am faced with a dilemma. It's something that doesn't particularly bother me at all, but also that I am absolutely bitter about having to do.

It doesn't bother me, after all, because I lived so much of my life like this before, I know what it's like, I'm used to it. But it was something I thought I wouldn't have to do again, I thought I was safe from it.

I thought there were people who would be there for me but I was wrong.

Maybe it is a lesson for me, never get too comfortable. After all, a Grey is always meant to be alone. Maybe I was foolish to think things could be different. Well, now I've been told it can never change, so what am I going to do?

Silly me, I am going to believe it.

A part of me says that this is so stupid, so pathetic, but another part doesn't care. Or in truth, most of me is too tired to care anymore. Too tired to do anything. But why can't I sleep?

If I am destined to this anyway, I might as well get used to it. To all these lies, broken promises and empty concerns. To things that I can't handle.

Oh silly me, for a moment I thought I mattered.

Forgive me, I've come back to my senses now.

See, The Sea Wants to Take Me

I walked, again.

Goddess, I was sick. And the rain was pouring. I didn't go there to kill myself, I promise. I needed the water, I just wanted to feel the water. I got the plan in my head, out of the blue. It was a long way to walk for just a plan, but for once I wanted to not give up on an idea that I had. So I walked.

It was raining, and I was already cold by the time I got there. The stream was full, but that was to be expected, from the rain. I didn't know what I was walking towards, I felt numb even in the face of that beauty. As I walked along the bank, the water got deeper and deeper, darker and darker. It's spring, I should have anticipated it. I climbed up the hill, one slip away from falling into the deep pool beside me, then onto the train tracks. It looked different from what I remembered. Water frothed from the three pipes, so much more violent than on the other side. It spread out, white and foamy, as if its own living mass. I waited a moment to take it in, the magnitude of my plan. As I walked down to the water's edge, I knew I would die if I decided to go into that pool. I told you, I wasn't going there to die. I walked downstream to find a calmer spot.

I hung my coat up on a tree, and crossed the river. The water rose up to my knees and froze my bones. It's spring.
The current was stronger than it had looked. But isn't that what they always tell you? Not to underestimate the power of water? I knew something horrible could happen, but I went on. Looking for a deeper place. I crossed to the other side, watching the water break over the rocks before me. On the sandy bank, I saw something. a small string of beads, barely above the dirt. I walked to it and grabbed hold, gently pulling it from the sand. A rosary came up in my hand. Was that a sign? I cleaned it in the freezing water, and hung it around my neck. I carried on.

Trying to cross the river again, I could no longer feel the cold. I held onto the slippery branches of a tree, to stop myself from being carried downstream. If I found what I was looking for on this particular day, I would surely die. But the water was not as deep as what I sought. She was telling me, I didn't have to do this. True, I came here with a plan, but I didn't have to go through with this. The rosary, She gave me a sign. It wasn't meant to be like this, and there is no shame in turning back.

Cold and numb, I walked home.

"The water will never rise high enough to carry you away"

Lead me home to my town

I'm longing for a relationship.
But not of the kind I had previously thought. I think perhaps, you could call it an aromantic relationship, although I know I have a highly romanticised vision of it. I need a brotherhood, a comradery, trust. A true relationship. The kind you see in movies, or read about in strange fantasy novels. It's like a state of knowing. Perfect love, and perfect trust. Where each knows all about the other, understands, and is there anyway.
It's a deep thing, and yet at the same time, so simple. A relationship without fear. I have always looked for a home in the hearts of those I have been in love with, yet how can that be when they are so inconstant? It has been said, that we put so much effort into our romantic relationships - because we expect them to end. So much so, that we neglect our friendships - our brotherhoods - because we expect them to always be there.
This type of kinship is such an active thing, but passive at the same time. The flame is always burning, except you trust it, and don't feel the need to tremble in its wake, to rush to its every whim for fear that it will burn out.
A trust that if you need it, if you call it, it will come to you without complaint or second guesses. The kind of thing that you would die with, happily.
It banishes insecurity and instability, just by existing.
This is what I want to build.
And interestingly enough, this is the formula for my perfect romantic relationship as well - except that would have the addition of kissing.

As well as this, I long for a homeland. For a town or a place, no matter how small, that I feel love and loyalty to. A place I can resonate with and belong to. And I believe these two relationships go hand in hand. I want to work the land, I want to build a home, a family, I want to build a life. Our pioneers did just that. And they didn't have much, not even certainty of the future, but they did have eachother. A love that outshone any hardship. A love above all else.
Will you build that with me?

And you keep waiting for someone to save you...

Someone said something that really made me consider things, or the way things have been for quite a while. I'll admit there are times when I am obsessed with the notion of someone "saving" me. Growing up in the home I did, I would plead every night for a way out. I was weak to those who gave promise of that - even if it was never meant to be, I couldn't realize it at the time. Even after I found my way out, that mentality stuck.

It makes sense that that would translate into how I view love. And it's not just that. When you think of it, we are raised believing that when we are in trouble, and prince on a white horse will ride by and save us, and we will fall in love with him. Now I'm not sure if this quite made me fall in love with someone who saved me (granted those who've saved me have always been those who I love), however it has made me expect that the person I love should save me, and if they don't, do they really love me?

I haven't just been waiting as a damsel in distress though. I earn my keep - How can I expect someone to save me if I don't return the favour? My life is dedicated to protecting the person I love, anyone who knows me would agree, I would do anything for her. But I always feel alone. I'm not fooling myself that I don't have any problems. There are horrible things going on in my head. But when I ask for help, where is it? It always results in me feeling abandoned, as if I am standing in the fire shouting "save me!" and the one who is supposed to do that stand idly by.

Now I know the next reasonable thought is "So save yourself." but this is where I become confused. Part of this problem is feeling an isolation from the rest of the world. I never seem to feel like I am fitting in, and not just floating around among everyone else. I've longed for an anchor that I can hold onto and remind me that I'm still here. It isn't like I ask for much. But when things in my head are horrible - which they have been so often - all I want is for once, not to be alone. To have someone there just to hold me, to be with. That enough is comfort. But its rare and I'm still searching. And still hoping that the person I've dedicated my life to will be the person to save me. I rationalize with myself, maybe once she's better herself, your time will come. Just wait a little longer.

Just be a little more patient, and someone will protect you from all of this.

Take It Back

watashi-tachi tte nee koibito sore tomo?

I wasn't always a good person. It even took me a long time to realize that I am now.

I loved to hurt people, and I can't say why. Fighting filled me with unmatched happiness and exhilaration. It still does.

And I used to do anything, to get what I wanted. I would make fake deals, phony promises. And it didn't matter. I was a spy, I manipulated people and I liked it. "I promise" was just a phrase to seal the deal, it meant nothing to me.
But I later realized. I found honour and grew into it. I can't tell you how, or why, but it happened. At a time when I had no loyalties, I became a very honourable person. The value of a promise became clear to me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know now that being a good person does not mean others won't do you wrong. But I don't understand people and promises, right now. When you promise something, think long and hard about it, because that isn't something you can take back. A promise, is a promise. Breaking it so nonchalantly? That's unacceptable.

I talked earlier about people giving up too easily. I would have, too. But someone told me something that changed everything, and now I realize that.

Last night we were driving on the highway, and traffic was stalled. The radio said, "Police investigation." and when we reached that point, the area under an overpass was blocked off. There was an ambulance. I didn't see anyone, but the police were marking things off on the pavement.

"I hope no one jumped off the bridge" my dad said, beside me.

My blood felt cold. That could have been me, I realized. I could have done that (and I could have, believe me). Not anymore.

I suppose it's as the Christians say, "God will never give you anything you can't handle." I guess the choice of whether to handle it is up to us. Now I don't completely believe that Goddess "gives" you what happens to you, but I do know this - there will always be many paths through it. And it is your choice whether to see them or not. She'll present them, but it's you who has to take the first step.

I didn't want to.

But now I can, if it comes to that.

For now, I am still working on my problems, because I made a promise, and I won't go back on that.

Even if she will.