My emotions are a pretty strange thing. One moment I can see the world for all it's life and beauty, the next I get carried away with the future and absolutely enraged at the present.
I have so much anger inside me, from who knows how many places. But I've yet to find a way to release it. Or, a plausible one at least. I can't expect to just beat someone up every time I should feel the need.
I think I'm tired of living my fears. Being alone, specifically. Everything is beautiful, and I see that, but when everything is not beautiful - how come there's no one to show me that it is?
It's as if I'm right on the cusp of having everything I've ever wanted, and yet it's not fully there.
Today, I suppose I was not in the most desperate of needs, but it was still valid. I'm so tired, tired of searching for comfort. All I needed was one moment. But it was not to be - and like a child, I broke down. But at least I admitted that, I was angry. That is the first step, right? Now, there are so many things I need to do. To find a way to get this anger out.
I've been left alone in my moments of greatest pain, and a hurt like that does not settle easily. I can't pretend like it's not there anymore. These fears are very real, and very justified.
But I cannot sit here passive to their daunting form. I need to make something of it. Need to scream, to lash out at something - be it paper, flesh, anything.
There is a reason things like this aren't meant to be pent up. One day everything breaks and it all goes to Hell - I've seen it before, in my mother, and I never want to end up like her.
I love my wife, and I won't let my anger pull us apart.
I've written myself two notes as a "to do" list, and stuck them on the side of my computer. The list reads:
Don't be mean
Talk. Solve problems.
No comments:
Post a Comment