And you keep waiting for someone to save you...

Someone said something that really made me consider things, or the way things have been for quite a while. I'll admit there are times when I am obsessed with the notion of someone "saving" me. Growing up in the home I did, I would plead every night for a way out. I was weak to those who gave promise of that - even if it was never meant to be, I couldn't realize it at the time. Even after I found my way out, that mentality stuck.

It makes sense that that would translate into how I view love. And it's not just that. When you think of it, we are raised believing that when we are in trouble, and prince on a white horse will ride by and save us, and we will fall in love with him. Now I'm not sure if this quite made me fall in love with someone who saved me (granted those who've saved me have always been those who I love), however it has made me expect that the person I love should save me, and if they don't, do they really love me?

I haven't just been waiting as a damsel in distress though. I earn my keep - How can I expect someone to save me if I don't return the favour? My life is dedicated to protecting the person I love, anyone who knows me would agree, I would do anything for her. But I always feel alone. I'm not fooling myself that I don't have any problems. There are horrible things going on in my head. But when I ask for help, where is it? It always results in me feeling abandoned, as if I am standing in the fire shouting "save me!" and the one who is supposed to do that stand idly by.

Now I know the next reasonable thought is "So save yourself." but this is where I become confused. Part of this problem is feeling an isolation from the rest of the world. I never seem to feel like I am fitting in, and not just floating around among everyone else. I've longed for an anchor that I can hold onto and remind me that I'm still here. It isn't like I ask for much. But when things in my head are horrible - which they have been so often - all I want is for once, not to be alone. To have someone there just to hold me, to be with. That enough is comfort. But its rare and I'm still searching. And still hoping that the person I've dedicated my life to will be the person to save me. I rationalize with myself, maybe once she's better herself, your time will come. Just wait a little longer.

Just be a little more patient, and someone will protect you from all of this.

Take It Back

watashi-tachi tte nee koibito sore tomo?

I wasn't always a good person. It even took me a long time to realize that I am now.

I loved to hurt people, and I can't say why. Fighting filled me with unmatched happiness and exhilaration. It still does.

And I used to do anything, to get what I wanted. I would make fake deals, phony promises. And it didn't matter. I was a spy, I manipulated people and I liked it. "I promise" was just a phrase to seal the deal, it meant nothing to me.
But I later realized. I found honour and grew into it. I can't tell you how, or why, but it happened. At a time when I had no loyalties, I became a very honourable person. The value of a promise became clear to me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know now that being a good person does not mean others won't do you wrong. But I don't understand people and promises, right now. When you promise something, think long and hard about it, because that isn't something you can take back. A promise, is a promise. Breaking it so nonchalantly? That's unacceptable.

I talked earlier about people giving up too easily. I would have, too. But someone told me something that changed everything, and now I realize that.

Last night we were driving on the highway, and traffic was stalled. The radio said, "Police investigation." and when we reached that point, the area under an overpass was blocked off. There was an ambulance. I didn't see anyone, but the police were marking things off on the pavement.

"I hope no one jumped off the bridge" my dad said, beside me.

My blood felt cold. That could have been me, I realized. I could have done that (and I could have, believe me). Not anymore.

I suppose it's as the Christians say, "God will never give you anything you can't handle." I guess the choice of whether to handle it is up to us. Now I don't completely believe that Goddess "gives" you what happens to you, but I do know this - there will always be many paths through it. And it is your choice whether to see them or not. She'll present them, but it's you who has to take the first step.

I didn't want to.

But now I can, if it comes to that.

For now, I am still working on my problems, because I made a promise, and I won't go back on that.

Even if she will.

But You Tell Me, Over and Over...

Why would I run?
I did a lot of thinking during that time, about what would have been right or not. I asked myself if I really did want to kill myself, if she left. And it all just seemed like such a waste. Here I am, a living, growing human being...and I could throw that all away in a moment. I don't want to think about it, because it reminds me of how much I would be tempted, if that happened. What would I be to anyone, if not this? It would make sense to die, but at the same time, it would make no sense at all.
So I decided on not dying, if one day she should decide she has no more use for me. But I would run. Even though I have an amazing family who I know would help me through it, I would run. I don't know what brings me to that conclusion, but it seems...if I just walk, and never stop, I can burn it off, or something to that effect.
I would have nothing to do but think of it. But the emotions would be let out by the steady motion of my feet, and I would not have the chance to fall. If I stayed among those who care for me, who would protect me, there is nothing to stop me from breaking down and never coming back again. Yes, there is nothing wrong with breaking down, especially when it is warrented. But it is equally a waste to stay that way. To work off the despair physically, until the hysteria is over. Everything I had and everything I lost would come second to the pull of muscles and the crisp feel of night air. I would keep going until I was able to stop.

But this will not happen. If it does, I have a plan, but...it won't. Beneath 18 years' worth of trust issues, betrayals, and worries, I need to have some faith left in me. I need to believe that she will love and protect me the way she promised, that this does not mean nothing to her. I've grown up believing no one would ever feel the way I did, and no matter how many people I've met share my feelings, that belief seems to have stuck.
It's hard to believe that I'm not the only one.
That I'm not as isolated as I thought.

I'm Still Here

She told me, part of why she fell for me is because I took her and showed her there was so much more to this world. That there was so much out there. Something new.

I know I haven't changed, in that fact. I always see more in the world around me, I notice the beauty even when I am breaking inside. I know that as long as there is beauty in this world I will be ok.

But maybe it's her who has changed.

She doesn't want to believe anymore, that there is more out there. She says it is not comforting that bad times will pass. That things will be alright one day. But what more do you need to keep going?

Everything is so amazing. And yet people still get caught up in everything. Afraid of losing material possessions or of temporary restrictions. And while it can look pretty daunting sometimes...there is still so much out there. So much possibility. If you don't want it you're a fool. How can you see all the beauty and not accept it? It's there, inside and out of you.

It might come from my upbringing, in a house where the "today" would never be ok. Where privileges and items were taken away daily. Where I didn't have anything in the present to hold onto except the future. You learn to appreciate things so much more. You learn the value of hope. You don't take it lightly and you don't give it up.

Is it just that my opinions don't matter as much anymore?

Can I not even make a difference in someone's life?

Simple

I'm so lucky.

For everything.

I can't believe I'm ever mad or upset or disapointed with everything I have.

And by everything I don't mean things. I mean people.

None of those material things are important. I'd be just as rich if I lived on the street or in a ditch or a box or a mansion. I can hold myself up because of everything I have.

I agree that this is not the most articulate post here but, maybe it will stop me forgetting.

I'm thankful.

That's all.

Live.

With the weather growing warm, I feel the urge to see some green in my life. I've never had much luck growing plants inside, it seems I'm no mother nature. Still, I'm amazing with how things grow. Last summer, a small pumpkin seed sprouted in my garden. The seed was left there, with the old Halloween pumpkins, the previous fall. Throughout the summer that plant grew to fill my yard with a huge pumpkin plant, which grew many pumpkins, most of them extremely large. All from a little, discarded seed.

It's at this point where I think we can all take a lesson from Mother Nature. I often find that in this world people are too quick to give up on life. To give up hope, and just stop trying. They ask, what is the point? As if the world owes you. To this I always answer, life is the point. Living. You don't see a little seed asking, "why should I grow?". They just do. And no matter where they are. How many times have you seen a plant growing between the cracks of the pavement? Or on the side of a cliff, even? Every day I amazed by the nature around me, of how perfect it all is. Things will grow, no matter what. Nature doesn't give up. Ever.

And aren't we all products of nature?

A History Of Violence

My emotions are a pretty strange thing. One moment I can see the world for all it's life and beauty, the next I get carried away with the future and absolutely enraged at the present.

I have so much anger inside me, from who knows how many places. But I've yet to find a way to release it. Or, a plausible one at least. I can't expect to just beat someone up every time I should feel the need.

I think I'm tired of living my fears. Being alone, specifically. Everything is beautiful, and I see that, but when everything is not beautiful - how come there's no one to show me that it is?

It's as if I'm right on the cusp of having everything I've ever wanted, and yet it's not fully there.

Today, I suppose I was not in the most desperate of needs, but it was still valid. I'm so tired, tired of searching for comfort. All I needed was one moment. But it was not to be - and like a child, I broke down. But at least I admitted that, I was angry. That is the first step, right? Now, there are so many things I need to do. To find a way to get this anger out.

I've been left alone in my moments of greatest pain, and a hurt like that does not settle easily. I can't pretend like it's not there anymore. These fears are very real, and very justified.

But I cannot sit here passive to their daunting form. I need to make something of it. Need to scream, to lash out at something - be it paper, flesh, anything.

There is a reason things like this aren't meant to be pent up. One day everything breaks and it all goes to Hell - I've seen it before, in my mother, and I never want to end up like her.

I love my wife, and I won't let my anger pull us apart.

I've written myself two notes as a "to do" list, and stuck them on the side of my computer. The list reads:

Don't be mean

Talk. Solve problems.