But You Tell Me, Over and Over...

Why would I run?
I did a lot of thinking during that time, about what would have been right or not. I asked myself if I really did want to kill myself, if she left. And it all just seemed like such a waste. Here I am, a living, growing human being...and I could throw that all away in a moment. I don't want to think about it, because it reminds me of how much I would be tempted, if that happened. What would I be to anyone, if not this? It would make sense to die, but at the same time, it would make no sense at all.
So I decided on not dying, if one day she should decide she has no more use for me. But I would run. Even though I have an amazing family who I know would help me through it, I would run. I don't know what brings me to that conclusion, but it seems...if I just walk, and never stop, I can burn it off, or something to that effect.
I would have nothing to do but think of it. But the emotions would be let out by the steady motion of my feet, and I would not have the chance to fall. If I stayed among those who care for me, who would protect me, there is nothing to stop me from breaking down and never coming back again. Yes, there is nothing wrong with breaking down, especially when it is warrented. But it is equally a waste to stay that way. To work off the despair physically, until the hysteria is over. Everything I had and everything I lost would come second to the pull of muscles and the crisp feel of night air. I would keep going until I was able to stop.

But this will not happen. If it does, I have a plan, but...it won't. Beneath 18 years' worth of trust issues, betrayals, and worries, I need to have some faith left in me. I need to believe that she will love and protect me the way she promised, that this does not mean nothing to her. I've grown up believing no one would ever feel the way I did, and no matter how many people I've met share my feelings, that belief seems to have stuck.
It's hard to believe that I'm not the only one.
That I'm not as isolated as I thought.

I'm Still Here

She told me, part of why she fell for me is because I took her and showed her there was so much more to this world. That there was so much out there. Something new.

I know I haven't changed, in that fact. I always see more in the world around me, I notice the beauty even when I am breaking inside. I know that as long as there is beauty in this world I will be ok.

But maybe it's her who has changed.

She doesn't want to believe anymore, that there is more out there. She says it is not comforting that bad times will pass. That things will be alright one day. But what more do you need to keep going?

Everything is so amazing. And yet people still get caught up in everything. Afraid of losing material possessions or of temporary restrictions. And while it can look pretty daunting sometimes...there is still so much out there. So much possibility. If you don't want it you're a fool. How can you see all the beauty and not accept it? It's there, inside and out of you.

It might come from my upbringing, in a house where the "today" would never be ok. Where privileges and items were taken away daily. Where I didn't have anything in the present to hold onto except the future. You learn to appreciate things so much more. You learn the value of hope. You don't take it lightly and you don't give it up.

Is it just that my opinions don't matter as much anymore?

Can I not even make a difference in someone's life?

Simple

I'm so lucky.

For everything.

I can't believe I'm ever mad or upset or disapointed with everything I have.

And by everything I don't mean things. I mean people.

None of those material things are important. I'd be just as rich if I lived on the street or in a ditch or a box or a mansion. I can hold myself up because of everything I have.

I agree that this is not the most articulate post here but, maybe it will stop me forgetting.

I'm thankful.

That's all.

Live.

With the weather growing warm, I feel the urge to see some green in my life. I've never had much luck growing plants inside, it seems I'm no mother nature. Still, I'm amazing with how things grow. Last summer, a small pumpkin seed sprouted in my garden. The seed was left there, with the old Halloween pumpkins, the previous fall. Throughout the summer that plant grew to fill my yard with a huge pumpkin plant, which grew many pumpkins, most of them extremely large. All from a little, discarded seed.

It's at this point where I think we can all take a lesson from Mother Nature. I often find that in this world people are too quick to give up on life. To give up hope, and just stop trying. They ask, what is the point? As if the world owes you. To this I always answer, life is the point. Living. You don't see a little seed asking, "why should I grow?". They just do. And no matter where they are. How many times have you seen a plant growing between the cracks of the pavement? Or on the side of a cliff, even? Every day I amazed by the nature around me, of how perfect it all is. Things will grow, no matter what. Nature doesn't give up. Ever.

And aren't we all products of nature?