Sleep's Not Comin' Easy For A While...

I withhold sleep from myself.
Or that is how it happens. I wonder if it is just because it's the closest I can come to harming myself without breaching my contract. If it's something I can control as some sort of pseudo-revenge scheme. Or perhaps its just that when I get into these moods, the need for sleep eludes me.
I remember back then, when they talked to me, when they were always talking to me, before they stopped. I would never sleep, or so it seemed. I wonder how I stayed alive. I would only be thinking - About what they said, about it's implications, how on Earth I could get back to them.
Every night it was the same thing.
"Take me home."
Until eventually it just became,
"Take me away from here."

Now, I know this will never happen. At least not while I'm alive. But when I do think about them, I still won't sleep. Who doesn't appreciate a call from home, after all?

It's not just because she left. Or it is. Either one, I'm not sure. But I don't want to sleep, because I want to do stuff. But I don't want to do stuff, because she is not mine. As if I am lost if everything I do cannot somehow be related to her. I want to experience things, but I think that knowing I can still experience things without her love, would hurt deeply. Perhaps its the mere fact that I have to, that's the problem.

Thinking of sleeping hurts, thinking of staying awake hurts.
If only there was a way to escape the pain.

It's Always You, In My Big Dreams

cause that's the way what we've got goes

There are times that I think I'll be ok with the way things are. Sometimes, it's all I want. The opportunity for an asexual relationship, that even goes as far as being non-romantic...but still as close as ours? It sounds like a wonderful idea. I'm not going to lie, that it's what I've been looking for. For just a deep knowledge of eachother, a deep, unfathomable love and understanding. I believe that's what I have with her. And I think that we will always have that, regardless of our relationship status with eachother.

On the other hand, I understand that she is the only person this is possible with. I want things to work with her, I want to be in love with her, and not just at her. I want her to stay with me, because, how perfect would that be? To be dating my soulmate, the one person I've got the deepest connection imaginable with? A lot of the time I feel, if I can't have a relationship with her...then I don't really want to have one with anyone else. Not even in an emo sort of way, just sort of matter of fact. I do believe that I will love her forever, for the rest of my life, whether we are dating or not. I know that no other romantic relationship could yield what I have with her, so there is no point in pursuing them.

Most of the time, I'm ok with that. I'm perfectly content. But I know I will always desire more with her. That's why I hope she feels the same way.

Oh Sweetheart, Put The Bottle Down

As the eves of my friends' nineteenth birthdays approach, I am filled with dread. Nineteen of course, is the age in this country where one can legally drink. This signifies my demise, or rather the demise of our friendships. I will be cast aside for a bottle of cheap beer. My friends will drink and they will ignore me. Why? Because I will not. And I cannot put up with those who do. I can't be around them, cannot handle it.

I have tried to be tolerant, mostly as a justification to myself. "Everyone in the world does this, how will you make friends, how will you find love, if you do not become accustomed to this?". But I can't do that anymore. It fills me with rage, with disgust, that people can do this to themselves, claiming it as some sort of recreation. They destroy their bodies and their mind, but why? Are they so useless that they cannot have fun, can't see anything as worthwhile unless they can pump poison into their bodies? In the very least, do they not care about themselves? Do they not care about those around them that are harmed by such behaviour?

Personally, I can hardly find it in me to have respect for someone who so clearly does not respect themselves. And how can one form friendships, relationships, with someone they can hardly even respect? Can one love without respecting? I find that to be a shallow type of friendship.

My body has been compromised to please others for long enough, and now I have realized it's importance. This body is all I have in the world, and if I do not take care of it, who will? What will I have left? They say "Oh, it's just for fun". Tell me how is destroying yourself, your body, your mind, and your dignity, fun? You are human beings, you have such potential, and yet you wrong yourselves.

I see the world with clear eyes, a sober mind, and pure veins. I will not be torn from my path, I will not succumb to their lies.