One In A Million Girl

Once again, sleep eludes me.

And I tell myself I won't do this, or rather, not to do this, because it isn't going to help with sleeping. But my mind always wanders, and sooner or later, it wanders to the past. I remember things that, I seem to have forgotten about until now. Amazing things. In my mind, at least. Things that, I never thought I would experience, yet somehow I did. And somehow I forgot. But maybe forgetting was for the better.

Because those things are over now. All those feelings are done, they will never happen again, she will never, forever, feel them. But they were feelings I wanted to last. That I needed to last. All those things she thought I would leave her for were all those things I thought she would leave me for. They were all the things that made me want to stay even more. Because above all else, they told me that she knew. She knew me. Or, she would. All I wanted was just someone who would understand. I found that, and I lost that.

This is the beginning of a very long and lonely life for me. I still have my family, my comrades, but what good do they do to the inner workings of my heart? If I can't even tell them? It's hard to get used to the thought that it will never happen again. That I will never be understood again. I'm not sure if anyone understands how hard it is to find a person like that in this world, and somehow I managed. But there are no more. It pains me, and it angers me, and it absolutely destroys me inside.

You know that feeling, when you are alone, and all you need is someone to hold you, but there is no one there? I'm going to have to get used to that. I imagine I will feel that way for the rest of my life.

Never Take Friendship Personal

I used to be a loner. Well, as those who know me (which is pretty much none of you), are aware, I still kind of am. But I used to be alone...all the time. I could go whole days without talking. Sure, people were around me - I was in class, or my mother was yelling in my face, or I was fighting with my siblings - but I was alone. And I'm aware how this sounds like every emo song ever written. But though I had friends...most of the time..and they were what I'd consider "close friends"...I could never talk to them about anything that was happening to me. Yeah, they knew about my mom, but I mean the things that were happening in my head.

I always longed for someone I could tell. Someone who wouldn't think I was crazy, or lying, or weird. That's what sparked a series of anonymous blogs, on various different websites. Hoping someone would stumble along and care, maybe talk to me about it. This is an example of one of those. But I've given up on that happening, by now.

Then there came the time when I finally found this person. She felt and saw the same things. Not my world, of course - someone from there is still just a wish - but she understood. And I could finally talk about it. Finally, I wasn't alone. I began to open up - though not fully, of course - into having truly close friendships. To put it bluntly, I had everything I'd ever hoped for. But just as I had realized this, just as I was basking in the warm glow of completion, acceptance - and love, of course. It ended. Having never experienced such a relationship before, Goddess only knows how I could handle such rejection. Having everything I wanted and then, having it all taken away. Something like that is not supposed to happen. I was supposed to be set for life.

And the friendships I had thought I could rely on fell apart too. I realized I meant nothing to them either, if I could not be what they expected of me. Because of this, if I wanted to keep them, I had to keep quiet. I couldn't say how my heart was breaking of my world falling apart - after having someone I could speak freely with, finally....I had to keep quiet once more.

So here I am, trying to adjust to the role that I lived for the first 17 years of my life. And its so much harder than I ever remembered.

You Would Always Be Here, I Heard You Say

" perhaps true freedom is having a home to return to."

What have I been searching for? What have I been looking for, this whole time?
For the longest time, I thought it was love, and in some ways I still believe that to be true, but I've realized, above all else I am looking for a home.

First it started as trying to find a way home. Because where I lived, wasn't. I would look everywhere, see hidden meanings in every thing. The light is shining on that tree just right - could it be a way? What if I walk up and touch it, will it bring me home? Is it on the other side of this sewer tunnel? The answer was always, inevitably, no. I still hope sometimes, though. If I explore a little bit more, maybe I will find the way...

Then it became trying to find a home here, in this world. Trying to find a beautiful, safe place. To rest my head. To get some sleep. And I had been trying to find that home in the arms of girls. Beautiful girls, though as the scars on my heart speak, their safety was questionable. Love is, in a way, like going home. I know the feeling off by heart, being weary and longing for that one person. Like everything will be ok with their arms around you. I longed for that and dreamt of that and built elaborate fantasies in my head. Until one day I thought I had found it. Or, I had found it. For that precious time, I had found a home. In her warm arms and her deep brown eyes, I was safe. For that precious time.

For now I don't know what the home I'm searching for will be like. Is it love? Or does one entail the other? I am looking for a home, a place of my own, somewhere I can return to when the battle is done. When all my searching is through.

The Paradox of Growing Up

I've never felt like an adult.

True, I'm sure I have plenty of time, seeing as I'm only nineteen, but I've been told I "am" and adult now. Is that what it is, a number? I'm not sure. I'm so used to be subordinate to anyone older than me. Its been that way for well...nineteen years. In college, or the workforce, I'm suddenly put on the same level (and possibly even a higher level?) as adults. I mean experienced adults. Or really, just everyone other than me. I don't feel like a college kid, I still feel like a highschool kid. Or just a kid in general. I feel meek and powerless. Just they way I've been taught to feel all throughout grades K-13.

So how does one "grow up"? Become an adult? Is it really a matter of age, or is it maturity? Now, I've always felt more mature than my contemporaries, more grown up in that sense of the word. But I still don't think that makes me an adult. I wonder, is it something that just comes to you, naturally? We all know how good I am with things that are supposed to come naturally. Will I just know one day that I am an adult? I'll suddenly wake up feeling like one?

This entry has a lot more questions than answers, much like myself...