And you keep waiting for someone to save you...

Someone said something that really made me consider things, or the way things have been for quite a while. I'll admit there are times when I am obsessed with the notion of someone "saving" me. Growing up in the home I did, I would plead every night for a way out. I was weak to those who gave promise of that - even if it was never meant to be, I couldn't realize it at the time. Even after I found my way out, that mentality stuck.

It makes sense that that would translate into how I view love. And it's not just that. When you think of it, we are raised believing that when we are in trouble, and prince on a white horse will ride by and save us, and we will fall in love with him. Now I'm not sure if this quite made me fall in love with someone who saved me (granted those who've saved me have always been those who I love), however it has made me expect that the person I love should save me, and if they don't, do they really love me?

I haven't just been waiting as a damsel in distress though. I earn my keep - How can I expect someone to save me if I don't return the favour? My life is dedicated to protecting the person I love, anyone who knows me would agree, I would do anything for her. But I always feel alone. I'm not fooling myself that I don't have any problems. There are horrible things going on in my head. But when I ask for help, where is it? It always results in me feeling abandoned, as if I am standing in the fire shouting "save me!" and the one who is supposed to do that stand idly by.

Now I know the next reasonable thought is "So save yourself." but this is where I become confused. Part of this problem is feeling an isolation from the rest of the world. I never seem to feel like I am fitting in, and not just floating around among everyone else. I've longed for an anchor that I can hold onto and remind me that I'm still here. It isn't like I ask for much. But when things in my head are horrible - which they have been so often - all I want is for once, not to be alone. To have someone there just to hold me, to be with. That enough is comfort. But its rare and I'm still searching. And still hoping that the person I've dedicated my life to will be the person to save me. I rationalize with myself, maybe once she's better herself, your time will come. Just wait a little longer.

Just be a little more patient, and someone will protect you from all of this.

Take It Back

watashi-tachi tte nee koibito sore tomo?

I wasn't always a good person. It even took me a long time to realize that I am now.

I loved to hurt people, and I can't say why. Fighting filled me with unmatched happiness and exhilaration. It still does.

And I used to do anything, to get what I wanted. I would make fake deals, phony promises. And it didn't matter. I was a spy, I manipulated people and I liked it. "I promise" was just a phrase to seal the deal, it meant nothing to me.
But I later realized. I found honour and grew into it. I can't tell you how, or why, but it happened. At a time when I had no loyalties, I became a very honourable person. The value of a promise became clear to me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know now that being a good person does not mean others won't do you wrong. But I don't understand people and promises, right now. When you promise something, think long and hard about it, because that isn't something you can take back. A promise, is a promise. Breaking it so nonchalantly? That's unacceptable.

I talked earlier about people giving up too easily. I would have, too. But someone told me something that changed everything, and now I realize that.

Last night we were driving on the highway, and traffic was stalled. The radio said, "Police investigation." and when we reached that point, the area under an overpass was blocked off. There was an ambulance. I didn't see anyone, but the police were marking things off on the pavement.

"I hope no one jumped off the bridge" my dad said, beside me.

My blood felt cold. That could have been me, I realized. I could have done that (and I could have, believe me). Not anymore.

I suppose it's as the Christians say, "God will never give you anything you can't handle." I guess the choice of whether to handle it is up to us. Now I don't completely believe that Goddess "gives" you what happens to you, but I do know this - there will always be many paths through it. And it is your choice whether to see them or not. She'll present them, but it's you who has to take the first step.

I didn't want to.

But now I can, if it comes to that.

For now, I am still working on my problems, because I made a promise, and I won't go back on that.

Even if she will.