Its a rare time when I can look back on everything, on my past - that past - and only feel the slightest wish to have those days again. A rare time when I look back fondly on it all and realize the beauty that it was. And a part of me realizes that a part of the beauty is in the fact that it is the past, and that it can't be again.
I won't blame it on so called "human nature" that I do still long for it sometimes, though.
And all I can think about is the peaceful white light that come with rain.
It is strange to think, that right now I am very happy. Compared to only a month or so ago when I might have considered death better than the situation I was in.
Constantly I am aware of Her beauty all around me. The beauty in the fact that, had I taken my life on those various occasions that I was so inclined, that I would not be here right now, and I would not be experiencing the things I am. I would not be writing this. But it just goes to show how little we know when we think we know everything. It just goes to show how things can change.
Constantly I am aware of Her beauty all around me. The beauty in the fact that, had I taken my life on those various occasions that I was so inclined, that I would not be here right now, and I would not be experiencing the things I am. I would not be writing this. But it just goes to show how little we know when we think we know everything. It just goes to show how things can change.
It comes down to a choice, again. I can't recall how many times I have forgotten and re-learned this lesson. There is always a choice. So long ago I remember, when I first realized there was no point in remaining sad. When I realized one has to move on from things and notice all the things around them that they are blessed with. Inside the darkest cave, a seed still sprouts and grows. If a small seed can do that, then surely I can too.
And at this point it is not at all crazy to believe that all the things I had there I can also have here. There was rain and white light. That is not something...monopolized, by another world. There was a man who felt differently towards me than he does now, but it is not something to be mourned. It is something to be celebrated. Something to be soft about. To smile about with half-closed eyes. And deep inside I'm sure he understands this as well. And I know that others will, one day. I do not worry for them. They are in good hands.
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