tsuyogatte, kizutsuita, kokoro sukashita you niAll these thoughts of "going back" are beginning to weigh heavily on my brain. I long for some sort of passion to fill me as before, yet instead all I feel is pain. Or something worse. I still can't remember, but then again, I still haven't tried.
I've been looking for something good about this world that I'm stuck in. Honestly, I've been looking for years. And many times I've found it. Something wonderful. But its always fleeting, only for a moment. I'm not only talking of love - I've learned since there's more to it than that description. I feel like I've learned a lot yet still know absolutely nothing.
I just want to go home. But, barring that, I want to find something in this world that is worth standing and fighting over. Something that's worth giving up everything for. Some sort of release for all this energy inside me, left over from my time in my homeland, now trapped in the body of a human.
I can no longer feel passion for the things I used to, though it is the one thing that could save me.
I long for camaraderie, yet I'm too afraid to ask outright for it. Too afraid to seal another bond in case it is broken once more. All the things I had at home, all the things I miss, I am too afraid to have them here. This place is so different. And yet other times, I have found myself wondering, "what if Harrow is this world?"
I don't feel able to discuss it, or anything else with those around me. If I open myself up, others might open themselves up, and what if I don't like what I see? What if it is just one more disappointment after another?
I feel like giving up, and yet at the same time I feel like grabbing hold with all I have, and becoming how I used to be. Becoming my past self and then becoming a new and better person on top of that.
But I need to consider whether I'd be better off doing that alone...or if I should take a leap of faith and reach out.
Well, in a way you just did reach out. If you really want to be your past self then maybe you should think again. Dwelling in the past can be incredibly debilitating. Trust me. Been there. Maybe you are growing in ways you can't yet realize. Maybe you just need to find new passions to help you expand yourself. Trust that there will be someone there to give you a hand if you need it.
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot for your comment. I will delete my blog today, it's for the best as you said.... I lost so much over it that it hurts with every breath I take. I will however keep following yours anonymously, because I liked reading it as well.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up. I won't either. I wish you the best.
Leap, darling.
ReplyDelete