Midnight Coward

I needed to write this down, or I would be going over this post in my head all night, only to forget it after having woken up.

For a while my personal studies were going well, I was diligent and learned quite a lot. I took notes and began to see parallels and make deductions of my own accord. Then, I found an answer to my problems. Or, part of one at least. I found my answer in Hermetic law, which told me what it was that was wrong with me and at least a vague outline of what I should do to fix it. Here I ended my studies, having found the answer. Problem solved? No.

What good is an answer if you do nothing with it? What good is an epiphany if it does not implement anything? Time and time again I find the answers to my problem and just stop with them. Without even trying to do anything in response. It is not enough merely knowing what I must do but it should in fact be done as well.

This is a side note but it is in fact connected to what I am speaking about. I've broken a promise to a man. A promise I've broken time and time again. Which really makes one wonder why I have continued to make it in the first place. I believe by now he's lost all faith in me, as is his right, and I have not seen him in at least months, if not longer. In fact there is no reason for him to come back to me and I'm aware he does not love me and it is unlikely he ever will. He is also in an unofficial relationship with another old friend of mine who I knew before she came under unfortunate circumstances. But, I digress. I believe making and keeping this promise is an integral part of finding my own answers but with no one to answer to it is highly doubtful that should come to be. The saying goes that I keep all promises, except for the ones I always intended to break. Why it is that I could not succeed in this for him I will never know, but it seems now is the time to make the promise for myself, which will prove all the more harder than keeping it for someone else.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I was a fool to have ended my research on the discovery of a small tidbit that rang true to me. I need to find something that works and I need to find it soon. While my general mood is greatly improving, I still lack a zest for life. Well, most of the time. I suppose you could say I am looking for a passion in life which can fill me wholly. There are many things I love and enjoy doing, and yet when I have the spare time, I spend it on things I don't particularly care about and that leave my soul feeling even deader than before. I suppose the new question is now, "What can I do to get myself to participate in the things I love?" and "If these things keep my spirit alive, why can I not motivate myself to do them?"
However, I'm unsure if questions like that can ever really be answered by research. Unless this research is in my own mind. Something I seem adverse to doing at the moment.

In any case, recognizing there is still work to be done is half the battle. I will, at some point, remedy this. Perhaps at long last.