Written

I have a paper journal.
It has often been against my code to keep something of the sort. I have always believed, never write something down unless you fully expect for it to be read. But I realized long ago that it doesn't really matter to me if it is read. People can know the truth about everything if they want, that part doesn't bother me much. They can read the words even if they are not meant for them. The part that bothers me is what might come after. Where they will try to understand, or think they do. When they tell me what my words mean or how things happen when they don't know at all. When I hope, that from reading it, they will know me. And they don't. People always fail, and that is why I take refuge within myself and within these words. I cannot fail myself in such a way.

I told myself that after a year I would turn back and read the whole thing. Then I told myself that I would not read it, that I didn't need to. And now here I am, reading through the hastily scribbled pages, and understanding myself as before. Seeing the way I change and the way I felt - and the way I still feel. I am happy after all, that I decided to write it down. Now I will not forget the way I felt or the things I have done.